Fragments of A Faulty Memory

With our little feet and tiny hands we play around.  Oh, how fluent we are in calling each other's name while hiding from and seeking each other.  How silly it is when we shout random words in our own language to strangers on the road. I hear only your laugh and you hear only mine. I feel like a little giant throwing punches to the pillow that you hold and at some point we would smash pillow to each other's faces. Giggling till the butterflies in our stomach flies in all direction, filling the air in the room. You snatch my food and I snatch yours in a restaurant we just visit. We roast the odd-looking banner showing menu names and low quality images. Unappetizing. Somewhere so far away, I wish I met you when we were little. So the time will be ours to play around all day, everyday. I wish we never have to grow up so we can go to waterfalls whenever we feel like splashing water to each other's back. We can dip our head-to-toe in the saltwater, letting it run in our vein. Yo...

 You always describe the way you feel something when I do things or being myself Yet it doesn't touch my soul.  I love you when we're tangling but is it love, or lust? I love you in our adventure and I get to see or learn new things So how do I define my feelings for you? I'm sorry that sometimes I lost in my thoughts when you open up and tell me about yourself I'm sorry that sometimes I pretty much believe that you're just in love with the idea of me A person you constructed in your head that you think you know very well Can we still call it love? I still feel lonely almost all the time Even when we hold hands or hug each other no matter how tight Your love bursts and fly around me, dancing in the air It grows beautifully I can see it in the spark of your eyes It's warm, I can feel it. I'm happy to see how alive one can be That's a blessing you got that I can only envy For mine still remains the same Yesterday, today, and maybe forever. I belong somewhe...

Apa kau mendengar suara sauhku tenggelam? Mungkin ia menghujam karang di dalam Membuat ikan kecil yang sedang menari membubarkan diri Atau membuat terpisah seekor dari sekawanan pari “Tapi kapalku tak boleh karam Tak ada waktu untuk tenggelam” Kataku Padaku Hatiku Benakku Aku yakin Tuhan mendengar suara itu Atau sautan parauku kala tak kuasa atas kemudi Semesta merangkulku dengan caranya sendiri “Jika kau kehendaki karamku, akan kupejamkan kedua mataku, kuserahkan diriku pada arah manapun arus gelombang membawaku.  Turun ke dasar gelap atau naik ke atas menuju langit yang terang. Sampai tak ada lagi gelembung udara pada dadaku, dan menyatulah aku menjadi laut”

"Asalmu dari mana?" Dari rahim ibuku yang pengasih "Maskud kami, di mana rumahmu?" Di mana pun aku berpijak Di lantai hutan hujan yang penuh makhluk-makhluk ajaib  Di dalam laut tenang di mana ikan-ikan kecil mungkin sedang menari Di beton pelabuhan yang terbengkalai yang masih menyimpan hangatnya walau matahari terbenam Di atas batu-batu licin di sungai tenang tempatku berduka membaca puisi yang pilu Di dalam kamar kos kecil dengan pintu yang kugambari dengan kapur Di atas tunggul kayu ulin yang terbakar dan dikelilingi rumput tinggi Di atas pasir pantai lembut yang ikut terbawa pulang di alas kakiku "Keluargamu?" Mereka yang bisa melihatku dan membiarkanku menjadi aku. Diriku. Meski aku berada dibalik dinding, atau mengintip dari daun jendela. Photographed by Rahmawati Indah (2021) for Musik Layang.  Listen to Dari Jendela  here.

Dear Antares, I know you were there, beyond my eyes can see.  Venus was brighter but it’s you I wanted to talk to. For today I look at their faces. Both of them among the others unfamiliar. They’re not my dad nor my mom. But all I saw was my father’s firm eyebrows, and my mother’s cheekbones that resembled mine. And I saw someone else in them. With his wavy, messy hair and neat teeth when he smile remind me, on some days, of the pile of books on his shelves. I look again, at their faces—the skin, brows, cheekbones, dry lips— everything but the eyes. For I’m afraid to find them blank, or teary.  Of trying to stay steadfast while carrying the world—and after world—in their chest. I embrace them with my cold skin. But I hear a little crack, from inside her. Then another one, from beneath their skin.  Antares, they turn their back on me and leave. I look at my palms, and still, asking the same question hundreds of times. “Don’t You think they are too tiny?”  Yet I know i...

My dear, a date in this month marks my 27th trip around one enormous star yet so little inside you. Should I celebrate? Some do, the others don’t. Should I treat you? I’d love to, my way.  What about little secrets, the spark I felt just now in my heart and a tiny constellation of my mind? Alright, dear. First, it's my love for the idea that my time revolving around the big star is by chance an endless series of finding a purpose in the journey itself. It's also a faith I love to keep that this journey is an endless struggle of embracing the certainty that you will never tell me in voices, in words so clear whether I have found the true purpose. Only you can measure the amount of truth in each purpose I came up with. But I have the strongest love for this idea that maybe I am here, so tiny inside you, to feel a new spectrum of emotions along my journey.  I love to believe that those emotions are presents you sincerely gave me each time, and it’s a quest to reveal them all. Do ...